Wednesday, February 27, 2008

One night and I'm still recovering!

we's clubbin' y'all!

Hollywood stylist Joey Tierney and actress Jaime Pressly

Last week, I went to club Opera for the Little Black Dress wine company and the charity group Clothes Off Our Backs. They were honoring Hollywood stylist Joey Tierney. I was excited to attend a night time Hollywood event and it was a chance to step out of my mommy clothes, dress up all fancy and scope out the scene. This doesn’t happen often. I get excited going out to dinner at In N’ Out Burger. Seriously. And that’s kind of sad. On the other hand, there’s much to be said about a delicious hamburger and animal style fries.

On our way to the party, I conjured up images of waiters twirling silver trays featuring exotic appetizers, mixed drinks with names I couldn't pronounce and a group of elegant industry insiders who would befriend me and sweep me up into the sequined bosom of Hollywood. I held my breath that my creativity would be discovered (somehow) and I would be the next Diablo Cody but with a less bawdy background. And lighter hair. And pinker lipstick.

If you've never been to a Hollywood club, the photo above of Britney should give you an indication of what it’s all about. Here's what you're missing: a dark interior pulsating with extremely loud music, women checking each other out, sexy girls with pin straight hair and short dresses, guys licking their lips at every babe in heels who walks by. And fur trimmed walls. Walls that I wanted to snuggle up with.

I expected Ms. Paris Hilshizzle to be dancing with an entourage but she didn't show up - at least not while we were there. I kept looking for the white light, the glorious halo that's supposed to surround Paris where ever she goes but I never had the pleasure. Not even an Olsen twin for my viewing pleasure that night! What kind of world is this when the singular evening I spend at a club and I don’t even see Paris, Nicole or an Olsen?

I did see Jaime Pressly, close enough to notice that she wasn’t wearing a bra. She is extremely buff and looked like a mannequin, she's also tiny and sported straight hair. There were lots of other actresses around but I did not recognize any of them because I’m out of the 18-26 demographic.

From my careful observations, the Hollywood club scene has its little pockets of certain people. You've got the hopeful starlet actress/models with their thermally conditioned hair and their teeny dresses and designer heels clutching their crystal studded cell phones. The hip Asians dressed in black with their flat ironed hair and eyeliner, the wanna- be actors with their gelled locks, sloppy shirts and skinny pants. The girls who don't want to care what people think but secretly do with their Katie Holmes/ Buster Brown hair and horn rimmed glasses and non-hip clothing. You've got the over- the- hill actress hopefuls who wear skimpy tops displaying their aging breast implants, with the platinum hair and too much makeup like no one’s ever told them that they look like Las Vegas female impersonators. Last we have the aging playboys with their feathered hair and unbuttoned shirts standing back watching tipsy girls gyrate on the dance floor.

After a couple of trips to the bathroom to actually go rather than touch up lip gloss and check cell phone messages, we were ready to hit the road. A single night of not very hard partying Hollywood style made me nap away the next couple of days to catch up on lost sleep. Get that? Days.

If there is a next time, I’ll dress up in a funky little dress, find the highest heels I can, stroll the red carpet and make a U turn. Then I’ll hit In N' Out Burger for a double double animal style and consider it a very good night.

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