Friday, November 14, 2008

Daily Dollfaces

It's Rachel Zoe! Stylist, fashion maven, couture queen, boss to bitch Taylor, lover of high heels and catchphrases, vintage addict, money spender and shopper extraordinaire! I miss her show and want it back. She inspired me to take fashion risks and accept the fact that its okay to have big hair. I learned what it means to "double bag" from Rachel. My knowledge has ceased to increase since the show stopped.

You've been wondering if I have any special makeup tips to share, haven't you? Well, the cat is out of the bag. Shauna Sand took all my advice before I could properly write it all down for the general public. I'll sum it up:
You should be laying in the tanning bed, probably twice a day. If you don't know how to do a proper Chola brow, use Shauna as an example. Thick, dark, and plucked until only the barest line remains- then paint on in an arch formation. When you apply lip liner, think of a Ringling Brothers clown. Outline your mouth as thick as the lipliner allows. This next step is really important- use a pale frosty pink lipstick inside, maintaining the dark liner on the outside. When you draw on your eyes, use a natural shade like vibrant purple. Do it in layers, the lightest shade highlighting the brow bone, work the black until it lines the inside of the eye. Remember, thicker is better. If you look like a character in a tranny pride parade, excellent. Mission accomplished. Instant glamour!

Look at Joely Richardson's new little baby! She's so cute. I want one too. I would name her Reagan Olivia and dress her in all organic clothes and snuggle with her all day, giving her tons of kisses.

Maybe I should take my cue from Reese Witherspoon and wear red lipstick. I'm always afraid I'll look too "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" if I wear it. Perhaps I shall give it a whirl. Doesn't Reese look terrific? Costarring with Vince Vaughn agrees with her! Actually the two were rumored to get on each others nerves during the filming of Four Christmas's.

Ignore Diane Keaton's blossoming garden of a dress and slide your peepers over to Linda Evangelista! I just read in my latest People that she confirms use of Botox. I knew it! Everyone is doing it! Aren't you? You should. I should. Peer pressure. I feel like I must begin going for my thrice yearly injections soon. Linda has always been one of my favorite supermodels.

Jennifer Garner holds an onion and sniffs basil. Fascinating!

Nicole Richie looks glam and well put together although I think the dress looks a little like a nightie. That fabric is highly unforgiving. You cannot disguise a lump, bump or defect under it. I'd need a full body Spanx if I were to wear it, which I wouldn't.

Julianne Hough looks like she feels better after her surgery. If you watch Dancing With the Stars, you'll know what I am talking about. She's an amazing dancer.

Jewel gets four stars and snap for her choice of gown and gold accessories. Bravo!

Katherine Heigl is going to die on Grey's Anatomy. Why else would she be seeing Denny's ghost? I think he'd smell like cigarettes and beer but I find him cute in a disheveled way. Speaking of cigarettes, Katherine knows its bad for her health to be smoking! I'm guessing Izzy will die of..lung cancer?

Wow, look who it is! Shania Twain. No doubt she's a beautiful woman but enough with the tanner! She's nearly orange. I think Crayola defines the color as tangerine.

Jen n' John, twins in all black. They are very hip, mysterious and sexy!
Here's Gwyneth P-trow and her little man Moses. I guess she's of the Madonna/Kate Hudson school of thought where you don't cut your kids hair until they are older. I say cut that off right now!
Famke Janssen and her dog. I think his name is Licorice. Cute, no? When I put my dog in a shirt, he ended up peeing all over it. He looked so cute but smelled so bad. I'd pick him up and get wet, it was digusting. I had a red hooded sweatshirt for him but clearly he wasn't into fashion because he lifted his leg in a way that he peed on himself instead of the grass. End of the shirt.
Who styled Fergie? Clearly it wasn't stylist to the stars, Rachel Zoe. The dress has potential but it kind of makes her resemble a D-Cell battery in shape. I would have done away with the tights and gone with a different shoe. I'd put her hair in a high pony tail too. The whole look doesn't work for me. I know she reads this blog religiously so I'll just offer up my services right here and now. Ferg, call me!

I think Eva Mendes is gorgeous. I like that she doesn't look like every other Taylor Momson/ Blake Lively/ Gossip Girl/ The Hills cast member. I appreciate her unique look. I do however, get a strong bitch vibe from her. I could be totally off base but I feel like if I were to go up to her, all meek and feeble as I am, and strike up small talk (Hello. Nice weather we're having.) she'd look down at me and say, "Who the hell are you and why are you talking to me?"

I wear this identical outfit all week long. Charlize and I could be twins! Okay, let me back pedal. I don't wear the stretchy pants that are so tight they borderline on camel toe territory. No one wants to see that. Im sure I'd be cited with multiple citizens arrests should I leave the house wearing spandex. But the top, cardigan, cap, flip-flops and sunglasses is how I roll 90% of the time.

Cindy Crawford has admitted to using botox so don't beat yourself up over being over 35 and not looking exactly like her. I have a strong suspicion that she's had a couple of gentle facelifts as well. Plus, a personal trainer to keep herself fit and all the other staff who are employed to make sure she's as cover ready as Zac Efron.

Great dress, Jessica Biel! But the purse and shoes? No. And that picture better be taken in a Las Vegas casino! I have big problems with a carpet that loud and tacky found anywhere else. Back to the shoes. They would be better suited to a high waisted pencil skirt paired with a white blouse. And the bag would be okay if only the shoes were a shade of gray. On a positive note, the top of the dress is divine!