Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Daily Dollfaces

Nicole and Joel look nice, normal, healthy. But- I have to point out the long jeans! Doesn't Nicole have a tailor to take a few inches off the bottoms? I hate when my jeans drag on the ground. I get home and they're all filthy and who knows what germs I'm hauling around. I don't understand why these people don't hem their pants. I'm going to assume that they just throw their stuff away after wearing it once.

You can't find anything wrong with Charlize Theron so don't waste time trying. Do you see her shoes? This is what I've been talking about! The strappy shoe is much sexier than the pump. Finally! Someone's been taking my advice!

Nicole Kidman, botoxed to the highest heaven. Not a line, wrinkle, shadow, crease, crows eye or laugh line to be found. Wait, she did star in that Stepford Wives movie, didn't she? Maybe Nicole's not really human? Or else she loves needles in her face.
Love the dress and the red shoes. I appreciate the fact that she's holding her own umbrella too. That's totally unheard of! Usually there's some kind of assistant or minion to hold it.

Can you imagine having a gorgeous mother like Kim Basinger and then you're born ugly? Luckily daughter Ireland is beautiful. I hope she's mended her relationship with father Alec Baldwin! Remember the "rude little pig" comment?
Jennie Garth looks fabulous! Let me see if there's anything I can critique....nope. Love the little accent in her hair. Bravo, Jennie. Where is she, you ask? At the Twilight premiere of course! Her husband stars as one of the Cullens.

Dear Meg Ryan,
Please look into wearing a bra. You're boobs are really in need of some support. For some reason, this concerns me.
Love, Cindy
Faded youth photo
Take a deep breath, close your eyes. Count to ten. Think of puppies and rainbows, of prancing unicorns and a leprechau holding a pot of gold. Now open your eyes and view this picture. Yes. It's from the Twilight premiere and these are the stars, Edward and Bella in the flesh. Its Robert Pattinson and his greasy hair that stands on end and Kristen Stewart who looks like she might be a giant bee-yotch in real life.

She's back to wearing the buzzard hive but Amy Winehouse lost all fashion sense somewhere between the Cocker Spaniel bangs and laceless sneakers. Are those stonewashed jeans? A belt from 1985? Do you think if you ask her for a pen, she will reach up and pull one out of her coif? Along with a pouch of crack and a bag of Doritos. And Britney's new cd....
Who's idea was this? I think it was Jaden's. Circus theme? What a copycat of Pink's Funhouse! I'm not sure how I feel about Britney's circus poses and costumes. Do you think she got inspiration from the novel, Water for Elephants? It would have been better if she dressed as a clown. Or Amy Winehouse. See how I come full circle and bring it back to Amy?
Sometimes when I'm bored with playing with my diamonds and counting my money, I'll apply makeup for fun. I'll then pose in my enormous mirror and position the fan so that my hair blows like I'm on a Cosmo magazine shoot. And most often, I will puff out my lips like...well, like Jessica Simpson in the above photo. She looks like she's about to suck up a trail of ants. Jessica is surgically enhancing her lips while her sister is in her eleventh month of pregnancy? Speaking of Ashlee...

Because I am a gigantic goober, I check my google news every morning to see if Ashlee Simpson popped out her little Fall Out Boy. Nope! Not yet. I think Im just interested in what she chooses to name her baby and I want to see if Pete will apply black nail polish and eyeliner to his offspring. I want to believe they will name him something really bizarre. I'll be so disappointed if she doesn't come up with a crazy moniker.

Hollywood Blonde No. 345. I told you there were too many of these to count! This girl is AnnaLynne or Ann Lynne or Anna Lyn or something from one of those Gossip Girls/The Hills/90210/Laguna Beach/Housewives of Where-ever shows. I can't tell them apart.
They should wear prison numbers or something to define them. Anyway, this blonde is wearing an exact replica of what I wore to clean the house today! Funny, no? This chick is attending the Twilight movie premiere but my outfit stood out much more at the grocery store.
It's so gratifying on many levels to see Angelina not looking like a perfect, raven haired goddess. Even the guy in the top hat is wondering why she isn't wearing Spanx. See, her shirt is visible through her satiny pants. At least, I think its her shirt causing that ripple in the pelvic region. Either her shirt isn't tucked in smoothly or- stop the presses!- she doesn't have a totally flat stomach. Something looks off and its not Brad Pitt's silky denim pants, fedora or pornstache.