Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Nose Job: A Cautionary Tale

I’ve never written about this before. It's something I’m really uncomfortable with. But here goes. I feel like I'm getting naked in public.

Growing up I hated my nose. I didn’t even know I had a big nose until about third grade. I still remember the boy who pointed this out to me and I cringe at the memory. I recall pouring over photos of myself, checking to see if my nose looked big. I began to hate having my photo taken and would practice in the mirror how to pinch my nostrils together or turn slightly so my nose didn’t take up the entire picture.

When I was eight, I fell off the uneven bars on the school playground, smacking my face on the hard woodchips on the ground. Did I break my nose or was it always on the big side? I don’t know. All I know is that it was painful to see myself in photographs and I became very sensitive to what people thought of me. I studied my face in three way mirrors and cried. At school the girls wrote a slam book and besides my greasy hair and skinny body, they wrote I had a big nose. I hated my look. I wished I had the cute perky nose that other girls were lucky enough to be born with.
In school, I’d sit with my hand on my cheek, to put a barrier between my classmates and my face. Maybe having big hair gave me something to hide behind but I always made sure, even to this day, that my hair was full and big. I reasoned it took the focus off my face. I wanted to work on movies but always far, far behind the scenes. I could be a writer, always home, hiding my nose from the world.

The big nose followed me from elementary school through high school and into my adult life. There were things I could do to gain or lose weight, conceal pimples and turn my ashy blonde hair to gold but there was nothing I could do to cover up my nose. Even brushing two stripes of dark foundation down the sides of my nose couldn’t camouflage the bump on my wide nose. I considered plastic surgery but the idea was so far out, I could never afford it! Nose jobs were for the wealthy. Or sixteen year olds with rich parents. And I was saving every penny for a car.

I moved out on my own when I was twenty three years old, down to North Carolina. I started work at a nice, upscale restaurant. One evening, we were all hanging out and one of the waiters blurted, “You know who you look like? Barbara Streisand!” Everyone but me laughed. I immediately went home, opened up the phone book and picked a plastic surgeon, booking my appointment for a consultation.
Dr. G’s office was conveniently located, down the street from my apartment. At this point, I was hell-bent on surgery. There was nothing anyone could say or do to talk me out of it. Finally I would be able to wear my hair in a ponytail or off my face, styles I avoided for years. I wouldn’t have this burden on my shoulders any more and I could not contain my excitement. Phrases like, “wining by a nose” or “as plain as the nose on her face” wouldn’t directly apply to me any more.

Dr. G’s before and after’s pictures were not all that impressive and neither was his resume. He served time in the Navy as a doctor, his plastic surgery experience was not extensive. But I didn’t care. I committed myself to the surgery and couldn’t wait to have a smaller, more refined nose. He seemed to do a lot of refining, not major changes.

I wanted a smaller version of my own nose but with the bridge smoothed down. Not a lot to ask for, right? He seemed to share my vision. I applied for a low interest credit card and put the three thousand dollar surgery on it.

The surgery itself was great, everyone in the surgical center was super nice and gave me warm blankets, held my hand and I woke up feeling fine. I ate crackers and juice, didn’t experience a lot of pain and in no time I walked around feeling like my own self. The worst part of the whole ordeal was the extreme packing. When I started pulling it out, it was never ending like a clown car, with the bloody packing unraveling forever.


Beside myself with anticipation when the bandage came off, I had such high expectations! However when Dr. G removed the splint, my nose looked….kind of the same. The bump was still there! I looked almost identical to when I first went in.

In fact, I was so upset with my result that I went back to Dr. G and he put me at ease, saying he could file down the bump for free, no problem. A couple months later, I repeated the surgery and that was it. Again, the bump was still there and my nose was not refined or cute, rather it looked like a before photo, not an after, but at this point, my wedding loomed over me and I didn’t want to go back to Dr. G. Soon married, I moved across the country to California, dr. G and his lousy surgery thousands of miles away. It wasn’t a Michael Jackson kind of bad surgery, it was “OMG, did you get in a car accident, what’s wrong with your nose?” kind of result.

Throughout the next couple of years, my nose was a constant source of pain for me, physically and emotionally. The area where the doctor filed down the bump began to sink until I had a dip in my nose, like a valley. The nostrils were pinched and my breathing was compromised. It was jacked up in every sense. After the birth of my son, I was desperate to remedy the problems. Always conscience of meeting new people and seeing old friends, I wondered what they thought of me. My former doctor asked if I had been in an accident, an old friend asked if I had a calcium build up on my nose. It was agony.

Insurance of course wouldn’t pay for plastic surgery. So I found an ear, nose and throat doctor who had experience in plastics. He could fix my nose using cartilage from my ear, building up what collapsed and he would broaden my nostrils and also fix the symmetry which was slightly off.

I jumped at the chance. I had to get it done, there was no choice in the matter. Once again, I underwent surgery. This time, I had a hard time coming out of anesthesia and threw up blood while I was half awake. The surgery took four hours and when I looked in the mirror, I was horrified. My entire face was swollen, my eyes were black and blue, there was blood soaking through the padding under my nose. Even in the recovery area, I felt people staring at me. I looked so bad, I worried my infant son would recoil in fear when he saw me.

A violent reaction to the antibiotics kept me from a quick recovery. I spent the next couple days trying to recover from surgery and throwing up. My husband, who hates the very idea of plastic surgery said, "You did this to yourself.” He had no empathy.

The bruises healed, the bandages came off. But instead of relief that my nose was fixed, once again, my heart dropped into my shoes. The doctor had made my nose wide and broad, the cartilage that was used to build up my nose made it bigger and my nostrils looked like they were winking- one was much larger than the other. He added so much to one side, trying to even my barely uneven nostrils, that he added too much and now I looked mildly deformed.
I went back to his office several times to do some in-office surgery. He'd take out tiny pieces of cartilage around my nostrils to even them out. I lay wide awake while the doctor dug into my nose. At one point there was so much blood that I had to hold the nurses hand and tell her it was okay, she left the room feeling faint. I wanted and hoped and imagined that finally, my nose looked good but after some photos came back from the camera, I was devastated to see I looked worse than before I had my very first surgery. This was never the result I wanted. At this point, I was ready to heal and get on with my life. I became pregnant with my daughter and after she was born, we moved to southern California, this time for good.

I shied away from cameras and videos, cringing when someone took my picture. I tried for years to not concern myself with my nose, I wanted to be happy and accept myself for who and what I was. My husband did not care how I looked at all, he never commented on my nose. In fact, I had a hard time discussing it. I never told even my close friends about my nose jobs because I knew it looked like I needed one, it didn’t look like I already had two.

But oh, it bothered me so much. My husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise and had the time of our lives. I took tons of photos to document our trip. When the photos were developed and I saw myself and my uneven nose, I felt ugly. I was crushed. Short of surgery there was nothing I could do. I hated looking in the mirror, refused to have my picture taken using humor to deflect the situation when a camera was involved.


I decided to have a consultation at a plastic surgeon’s office in Beverly Hills. This well-known doctor outlined what he wanted to do for me: break all the bones in my nose and start from scratch. He did not believe in computer imaging so I didn’t know exactly what he had in mind. He quoted me a very high price and I didn’t pursue it because we certainly didn’t have the funds for plastic surgery. I pushed it to the back of my mind knowing it wasn't a possibility.

A couple of years later, I broached the subject to my husband who always made his opinions clear. He was NOT for plastic surgery of any kind. He is not one to care about looks, it’s not something he finds important. Although he appreciates a beautiful woman, I’m sure.
I scoured forums on Plastic Surgery sites and read about other people’s experiences with different doctors. I wanted to do my homework and learn which doctors were the best. I had two bad experiences and wanted to go to a well respected doctor.

One name kept coming up so I made an appointment with that doctor in San Diego. He was great, trained under a prominent physician in Chicago, he had experience. This doctor wanted to built out the tip of my nose using cartilage from my ear, he felt this was the way to give my nose more balance. I was on the fence it that but I liked him. I felt he’d do a good job and give me the results I was after. However, he refused to deal with insurance and his price was higher than the Beverly Hills surgeon.
I hoped to submit a claim to my insurance company based on frequent headaches. I prayed that insurance would help cover the cost but since he didn’t work with insurance, this wasn’t an option.

Years went by and I had serious problems that required real surgery, not the plastic kind. When I was invited to an even this past October in Hollywood, I worried about what to wear and who I would meet and would I be the ugliest person in the room? I know that it’s the inside of a person that’s important and worthy, not the outside. Its what I stress to my children over and over again.

This nose is not what I started out with, this nose has been worked on by incompetent hands many times, and I continue to stress about it. To this day, I tilt my head and move myself out of frame in pictures. Forget being in a video.

At the event, I met Nadine, who mentioned she worked for two fantastic plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills. Their specialty? Revision rhinoplasties. I leaned in and lowered my voice, quickly telling her about my tale of woe and my years of nose-related worry.

It took me several months to make the appointment to meet Dr. Solieman and Dr. Litner at Profiles Beverly Hills. My husband, so adamant about surgery, refused to listen to my pleas for the surgery. I went to see the doctors to hear what they had to say. They calmly explained what they could do to help, did computer imaging and answered my questions. Because I trust my friend and her opinion, I decided to pursue the surgery with these very good doctors.
Will I finally get the desired result? I can only hope so.

Over the last few days, I've struggled with my husband, he is still against it. He won’t budge. I rarely if ever go against what he wants but in this case, its something so huge to me that I want to live the rest of my life not worried about my nose.

I went for a CT scan and found that I have legitimate breathing issues compromised by scar tissue and excessive cartilage. I wake up with headaches every day and have not been breathing at full capacity. I don’t know what its like to not be breathing through what feels like a cloud! I thought it was normal. Its not.

I made arrangements today to finance the surgery. Tricky since I don’t earn an income. I will depend on ad sales of Hello Dollface to help me pay off my loan quickly. Every penny will go directly to paying off my loan. I look on Craigslist all the time for writing jobs. Im sending out my screenplay to agents, pursuing literary agents for my novel. I am determined to pay off this debt. My husband? Not really talking to me.

I wonder what it's like to live not afraid to meeting new people or to look in the mirror with confidence? Not to wonder if the kids look at me and see a giant nose on my face? I won't have to gaze at other people and wonder why they got a straight, symmetrical nose and I have a potato shaped honker on my face. I will be able to breathe normally. I will smile into the camera without having to orchestrate a certain pose. I can’t imagine what that’s like.

I hope this time I get the result I wanted fourteen years ago when I had it done the first time around. And let this whole saga serve as a cautionary tale to you, if you decide to go under the knife, do your homework and get the best. Learn from my many mistakes, please.








50 Comments:

Blogger Scandalous Beauty said...

Wow, that was a compelling post. I admire your determination amidst your prior attempts. I truly hope that everything works out for you!

11:17 PM  
Blogger Emilita said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I have a big nose too and the idea of getting surgery to attain one of those small, cute noses has always secretly lingered in the back of my mind. But thinking about the potential consequences if things went wrong -- as happened in your cautionary tale -- has further convinced me that this cosmetic surgery isn't worth the risk for me.

I hope everything goes well with your corrective surgery. Being able to breathe fully and not contort your face into a certain pose sounds like a good thing...but most of all, being able to look in the mirror and feel happy with yourself. :)

12:59 AM  
Blogger LissyLou said...

Thanks for sharing! I've always hated my nose - but i'm to scared to have anything done. I'm going to live with the face i was given and try to look for the best in it (easier said than done at times!) I hope everything works out for you in the end xx

2:03 AM  
Anonymous karen b. said...

Wow! My nose was straight but not small and as I get older, I see that either my cheeks have either gotten more gaunt or my nose bigger. So I have started 'shading' my nose which doesn't help. When I take pictures, I see a nose. But others don't.

7:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to wish you the best. I really appreciate that you can talk about something so close to your heart, I've struggled with that for years

11:39 AM  
Blogger Catherine Cole said...

Good for you Cindy! You know I know I can relate to your feelings on this & I think it's great you found a doctor you're comfortable with, and that you're doing something about it, instead of continuing to feel miserable. I know you'll get that debt paid off someday & R will get over it eventually! Hopefully he'll be pleased with finally seeing you so happy! - - P.S., I've always thought you were absolutely beautiful & never noticed your nose. I think lots of us are too busy worrying about our own insecurities to notice others. Love & miss ya sweetie!

12:46 PM  
Blogger PrincessGreen17 said...

Oh, Cindy! It took a lot of courage for you to share that with us. I will be hoping for even better results than you're imagining! Your husband will just have to understand, or not, that this is more than about looks, it affects your personality too. Good luck! I'll go click on your ads now. :)

4:41 PM  
Blogger Amanda Ashby said...

Cindy - everything is crossed for you that your sugery goes well and that your husband comes around. It sounds like it's been a tough decision for you.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Kohl Girl said...

Yikes, scary story. Hope everything turns out well for you!!

11:08 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I am so sorry that you have been through so much with your nose! Although I have never considered plastic surgery myself, your heartfelt post really helped me understand why other people might.
I hope that your surgery gives you the results you've dreamed of, and that your husband comes to understand your decision.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Esmeralda said...

This article was so touching. I think your advice is right on, and I will hope & pray that your husband comes around soon. Although, it's the first time I see a picture of you and I, like your husband, think your beautiful, you look like Cate Blanchet :)

12:20 AM  
Anonymous Carly said...

... just wanted to wish you well on your surgery. After all you've been through, you deserve a beautiful nose this time!

12:33 PM  
Blogger MLE said...

I hope everything goes well for you! I've read your blog for a while, and I can honestly say that when you have posted pictures the last thing I have thought about is your nose! You look beautiful!

6:11 PM  
Blogger Liz@thisfullhouse said...

Catching up on your daily doll faces (because,I'm slow like that) but, this post moved me to tears. Good luck, my friend.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Alexa Riva said...

I've recently undergone surgery for a nose I was literally obsessed with: It over projected, with a bulbous tip, very large nostrils and slightly hooked.
I went to a surgeon in London and 4 months on, it’s still not fully healed but looks so much better! My entire face looks symmetrical, my eyes look more wide-set and I don't spend my life turning my head to avoid anyone ever seeing my profile! :)
Your husband clearly doesn't understand the phenomenal impact your nose has on your self esteem and your inter-relations with others.
In this image based society we live in, we are made to feel unworthy when not corresponding to a certain beauty criteria and let's be honest, what is inside matters most, but it is what is outside that people initially judge you on and massively influences people's reactions to you.

I think you should try getting the nose you've always wanted one last time (bearing in mind that it gets trickier for the surgeon with each surgery due to scarring tissue etc) because this is clearly a very big deal to you and you owe it to yourself to finally feel it was worth all the efforts and pain you've been through. It's your face and you don't feel it reflects the person within so do something about it and I'm sure that when your husband sees the change in how you feel, he'll understand because it was the best choice I ever made: I feel beautiful in and outside now. :)

Good luck and all the best!

Alexa

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It takes guts, girl, to share your story, and I'm so glad you did. Good on ya! :) I think you touched on an issue so many of us young women (I'm 22 ys) struggle with and some for their entire lives-- body concept. My experience has been of body insecurities my whole life. I am of average height and weight, and don't hate my body, but there's this one thing that I always feel embarrassed about: my breasts. I know lots of us gals experience slight dissymmetry (especially during that teenager stage, when the "girls" are growing up, so to speak ;) ), but after that phase, it seemed to stay uneven.
It sounds vain, but it's not just in my head- one's a cup size A, the other between B & C! It's significant enough to make bra-buying instantly dreadful (do ya get the A, the B or a C? Omg!) and having your pict taken always comes with instant neurotic thoughts, not comfortable moments with friends. You think, "Ok, if I catch the right angle...etc etc". It becomes a sortof hell you find yourself in, always worrying that someone might be able to tell, that someone might say something.
For example, at my aunt's posh wedding I wore a lacey halter dress, marilyn-style, and had gone to the efforts of finding a strapless bra that would make the girls look a little more even, and usually people seem shocked when I mention it, so I guess they can't usually tell, but I guess the dress made it more obvious, despite my efforts. Anyway, the bride's sister (my other aunt) tipsily saunters over to where my cousins and me were just chillin by the bar, and she says something like, "Laura! whats wrong with your dress; youre lookin a little lopsided, tonight, hey" and so all my cousins follow her gaze to my chest, and a tense uncomfortable moment ensues. It was awful. I wanted to run, crying from the room. I was mortified!
Since then I have thought seriously about going under the knife. I mean, if women get implants to increase their breast size, maybe I can make my breasts perfectly even!

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...(continued):

However, after doing some research, I realized there was NO way I was going to have such an extreme surgery. The risks were just too much, and I just couldnt see myself with fake implanted goo inside of my body! I mean, Im all for ink and piercings, if one so desires, Ive had a few myself, but that kind of physical manipulation for appearances sake...I knew I didnt have to guts to do such an extreme thing to my body.

Years later, I have learned more about the grace of loving myself for who I am, flaws and all. I have come to realize that we simply werent meant to be perfect imitations of each other, let alone the size 2 marble girls in Haute Couture ads. That being said, some physical imperfections are more difficult to live with happily, and I cant judge anyone who feels unable of living with their flaw. I acknowledge that we all alter our appearance to some level (we are doing that with even makeup and hair styling product), but to me it should be about feeling good about yourself and wanting to celebrate the things you DO find beautiful about yourself. (not desperately trying to "fix" a part of you, to make it look like you think you should look. Dont you gals agree?)
Girls, listen up!(and by girls I mean readers, not the *other* kinda girls!)... When you HATE your body or some part of it, you are not in the act of loving yourself. In fact, youre not only making yourself your own worst enemy & critic, but also, that contagious hatred and negative outlook invites others to see you the way you see yourself (which is, "not good enough").

Heres what I say..I say that way of *thinking* isnt good enough for goddesses like you! I look around me and I see such natural beauty in women everywhere. Why dont we show ourselves and our bodies the love we deserve? Lets laugh in the face of false ideas of perfection, and celebrate our beauty, and praise ourselves for what wonderful and pretty things we are- we are women! come on, gals! Look in the mirror every day, and discover something new about yourself that you love, THAT is the task I challenge you to!

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you looked at pictures of Barbra Streisand when she was young? She was gorgeous !! And I'm sure you were and are!!

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I hope your surgery went good and i was wondering if you could describe your feelings on the result as I am considering Litner for some necessary work as well and would like to hear some feedback on your experience, thanks a lot!

2:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your story. Please let us know how your surgery goes. I think you have really pretty facial features, so even with the nose, you look nice. I have a large humped nose and I live in Korea, i.e. Land of Small Noses. In a way it's ok because Koreans think ALL foreigners have big noses, so they kind of think its normal the way I look. But the pressure to look pretty is huge here, and I have been considering surgery for a while now.

4:53 AM  
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Nice post

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Blogger kewiesterrock said...

Wow it is really almost nice work via the nose job. We can say the we can make our nose flexible and suitable over the face for good looking.


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11:39 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I CAN RELATE EXACTLY.

A larger than average nose I became aware of as a result of childhood bullying, a failed attempt at gymnastics in elementary school that resulted in a broken nose, a horribly botched surgery at seventeen that left my nose looking worse, my breathing even more compromised, and my face more asymmetrical. At 21, I got a second surgery. Though my nose is much better than it was, I still have trouble breathing, and I have noticeable scar tissue. I might also need more cartilage grafts to compensate for the overzealous chiseling of the first surgery. I feel like a freak most days, and obsess about my appearance at nearly all hours of the day. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

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Blogger Dennis said...

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Cindy. Your tale can be a good example for everyone who wants to go under the knife. It’s a very crucial matter and needed serious discussion. Anyway, I wish you’d finally got the result that you always desired. =)
Dennis Rode

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you have any post pics? how did the surgery go?

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I think your results are amazing and I am happy for you. You are the reason I chose these doctors. Unfortunately, I did not get your luck. They destroyed my nose in form in function. I was left with a saddle deformity and severe breathing issues. I had to leave the state to have it fixed. I feel like I have a moral obligation to warn people that not everyone will get your fantastic results.

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well, what's the end to the story? Did you go to Dr. S and L? I have had a similar saga and met them - and am considering them to fix my mistake. Should I?

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Blogger Ali Lanier said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Ali Lanier said...

well, what's the end to the story? Did you go to Dr. S and L? I have had a similar saga and met them - and am considering them to fix my mistake. Should I?

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